Saturday, July 17, 2010

A Life and Heart Change

In the past, I never would have considered myself an emotional person, but over the last 3 months, I feel as though God has just taken my heart and turned it inside out. All of the sudden, I can barely speak of certain topics without tears flowing. I read blogs, listen to music, tell people about Zoe or adoption related things and I lose it. I can barely get my point across without crying. This is something that is so new to me, this is a completely different world for me. A world filled with emotions and a heart that is so passionate and filled with joy over something that isn’t yet tangible. It isn’t to say I didn’t have them before, but they are being expressed now.
What I am learning about myself is that I can no longer “hold back” the emotions and tears, when something hits that inner part, its over. The tears just flow. I know for the average person this sounds so silly that I am making a big deal of this, but in the past I would never consider myself a “crier” and neither would anyone else. It wasn’t that I was insensitive I just wasn’t emotional. I have realized that in the past, I would be watching something on TV that would touch that place inside of me, that would begin to bring on the tears, I would quickly disassociate myself from it or bring up a different subject in my head and by doing that it would take the heart connection out of it and I would not cry about it.
Brian is funny with the whole thing. He says my new ability to express my emotions is beautiful. I look at it differently, I never wear make-up any more because it will just wash away throughout the day! I also find it interesting that I can literally feel that I am being changed. I feel different. I am a type that loves change but this change is challenging. I can’t even talk about it or express myself because I can’t get a word in between my tears. Also, people don’t know what to do with it. “It” being my change. my since of sensitivity, my emotions. The other day, I was telling a friend about a conversation I had recently. It was between me and another friend, who had said something that hit me deep. She meant nothing by it but me being super sensitive at what she stated, I lost it. The tears came and I could not get them to stop. Anyway, when I was telling my friend the story, she flipped out and could not believe that I cried, much less cried in front of a group of people. I thought is was quite funny the way she responded to the story.
We have been talking adoption for a while and signed on with America World in the beginning of May. As we started telling people, Brian would give the talk and answer all the questions and I would sit by his side and smile and shake my head to whatever questions he was answering. People would say congratulations and I would say thanks, just like you would when your pregnant. I pretty much just related all of my feelings to that of pregnancy and birthing the child, except the wait was a bit longer and I didn’t have to gain 50 lbs. I would say my guard was still up at this point.
I didn’t really talk to my friends about the process, it was hard to explain everything. It was really hard because not much of it made since to me. I figured most people thought we were crazy enough for doing it much less wanting to look stupid by not being able to answer their questions. Word was finally out and still not to many people ask questions, all they know to ask is, “when are you getting her?” With that being the most common question, I just say about a year or so, when really we have no clue. It should be in a year, but who knows. Since, I was feeling totally alone in the process (aside from Brian’s support), I decided to start reading others blogs. I became obsessed! I have read tons of blogs. I loved reading their journeys. These are people who are doing exactly what I am doing. They feel the same way I feel. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. As I was looking at one of the blogs, I came across some pictures this mom had taken at the orphanage. It was a cement floor with about 6 toddler sized mattresses on the floor. There was a child or two on each one. They had a diaper and a blanket. No bed, no bedding, no boppy, no mobile.... a blanket. So, I lost it. It was at that point that I realized my baby will be there one day. She will be there and I wont be there. I wont be there to protect her, to feed her to love on her, to snuggle her. It was that moment that I HAD to name her, she needed a name. I want to love her by name. I wanted to speak her name and make it known that she is a person. I wanted to pray for her by name. I want to pray for her mother and her father.
See before that moment, I was able to look at pictures of orphans or hear stories and think, “ aww...they are so cute.” When those commercials would come on TV about sponsoring a child I would think to myself, who knows if the child even gets the money. I would hear about people adopting and just know inside that it would never happen. It is so costly and we already have so many kids. I was able to separate my feelings and disassociate myself and put my poser on that I didn’t really care or at least wasn’t affected by it.
But now, I am different. Now when I think about our adoption these are the thoughts that I have going. There is a woman out there that is pregnant and has no money to support a child on her own much less support herself. She has to get the courage to decide what is best for her child. She has to choose to put her child up for adoption. While pregnant, she has to make choices. She doesn’t have the all the options like we do. She isn’t trying to decide which prenatal is the “best” to take. She doesn’t have them at all. I have to pray and trust God that she is making the best choices when it comes to her food intake and her drink intake. She is a woman who is just trying to survive, literally survive. I pray for her. I pray that someone educates her on making good choices for her baby. I pray that God protects her and gives her an easy delivery with no complications.
Then I pray for Zoe. I can’t explain my love for her. I have experienced four wonderful pregnancies, but this paper pregnancy is very different. From the time we started the paper process, I felt a connection to this child. A different type of feeling from when our boys were cooking. I am not sure why. I am so attached to this baby. I can’t even feel her but something is so different about this. It might be because I have no control, I am fully trusting God. He is the one protecting her. Though I know he ideally is the one protecting all of our embryos from the beginning, but we controlled our weight gain, our eating habits, our health.... But, all I can do is trust that God has his hand on her and her biological mommy. I long for the day I get to hold her and for her to hear and feel me. But for now, I pray that she feels loved. So, from around the world. I love you Zoe Moon!
I didn’t get it before. I would hear statics before and think wow that stinks, but now when I hear them I think how can we change that. What can we do? We can give a child a forever family!

1 comment:

  1. I totally, totally get you. And have felt the exact same way. I think it is a special 'adoptive' mom chemical imbalance that makes you loose it - much in the same way my chemicals caused me to throw up for 5 months in my last pregnancy!!! It's still a pregnancy, and it's still our baby, and God is growing that love and those emotions everyday we get closer to her. That's also the reason we named our baby - to pray for her mother, to pray for her little body's development, and for my own kids to start getting to know her just as if she were growing inside of me.

    Great post. Keep 'em comin. And BTW, been to Ethiopia to see the sponsored kids with Compassion. They DEF. get the money. It DEF. makes a difference. That money DEF. brings your across the ocean as the hands of Christ. Wow, just wow. Closest thing to adopting that one can come. (just much cheaper)